(Wo)man unadorned

"Man, unadorned, is a naked ape, shivering in the cold blasts, suffering pangs of hunger and thirst, and the pain of fear and loneliness" (C.van Doren). Don't fret, it's not all that bad. Van Doren proceeds to say "but he has knowledge. With it he has conquered the earth." Yes, we are the rulers of our planet ; its other inhabitants wait for our actions with a dose of trepidation. But, still, often, more often than we care to admit, we feel like those naked apes, no longer exposed to cold blasts, hunger and thirst (at least not all of humankind) but suffering nevertheless the two remaining evils - fear and loneliness. I would like to say that the worst predicament of humankind is fear OF loneliness. We simply need other people for warmth, protection, exchange of necessities, ideas... How sad then that we're - in spite of this basic and profound human need to interact with others - very often, much oftener than we care to admit, very lonely. I am not saying this because I am a single woman. I see my friends: attached, married, divorced with kids, living with aging parents - yep, they are not alone, but they are lonely. Of course, it's easier to feel lonely when you are physically alone, when you are one of those who come home and can't say "hi, I'm home" to anybody, or who are sick, too sick to make a cup of tea, and there's no one there to make it for them. Sometimes, your loneliness is palpable, it envelopes you like some sad heavy shroud. For many people their whole existence boils down to trying to shake if off.

I want to look here at the reasons why we feel so lonely, at how people cope with loneliness, and is it normal and necessarry to feel that way.

Why do we feel so darn lonely? I believe these feelings come from a deep sense of inadequacy, of not measuring up to expectations, of not trusting that other people would like us around them, which ultimatley makes us retrieve to our (safe) shells where we're lonely, but at least we dont' fear being rejected, ridiculed, or looked down upon. We want people to like us, we want to look good, be funny, educated, charming, helpful, assertive, generous, "a great person." Simply, too much expectation is placed on us. Who can be all of that? If you're naturally good-looking and smart, things are better for you. If you're just an average Joe or Jane, or worse still, if you're below average, what do you do? You listen to The Big Man, big business, who tell you, you can change yourself, all you need to do is follow our instructions and buy our products. You fall for this in your desperation, you try to improve yourself...
Our society with its emphasis on perfection, is to blame for our predicament, . We're the society of fixer-uppers with THE BIG MAN telling us: "hey, dude, everything is possible, if you only work hard for it." If you're not beautiful, exercise, put on heaps of make-up, go for a plastic surgery; if you're not smart, take classes, hire a private tutor, reap bits and pieces of knowledge from books that 'help you get smarter' , make yourself the life of the party or the water-cooler favourite. The Big MAn is convincing us that all is just a product of hard work: you can be a super(wo)man if you only get off your butt and do something about it.

Alas, we forget that not all is nurture but that the darn nature plays a huge part. If you're born 4 foot 3, a bit on the stooopid side, with too big or too small a head, thin hair, short legs and gazillion of fat cells, you can kill yourselves working out , spending millions on make up, risking your life under the knife of a plastic surgeon, paying for expensive private classes, the fact is, you will never be that gorgeous, smart, charming creature that The Big Man is telling you you can (and must) be. There's simply no place for "an ugly creature" like you among all the perfect human specimen - no matter that you may be the nicest, most devoted, warmest person anyone could wish for. Think about the slogan of a weight-loss program: "They used to call me 'nice'; now they just call me. " 'nuf said.

There are two ways of coping with failure to measure up: destructive and constructive. Let me talk about the first one: failing to achieve what everybody believes is achievable , people withdraw from the world believing they have nothing to offer to all those other wonderful creatures; they stay home, watching programs or reading books about other people's great lives, they eat too much, drink too much, have desperate one-night stands, take drugs and/or abuse all other quick fixes that cannot fix their problems long-term. Lives are lived in a kind of a haze, from day to day, with a flicker of hope that one day things will change, except that they never do.

If you look at the history of art, science and music, you can find numerous examples of lonely geniuses: Van Gogh, H.C. Andersen, Beethoven... If you look at people who volunteer at orphanages, homeless shelters, old people's homes, soup kitchens, aid missions in underdeveloped countries, you will also find that most of them started doing good for the world because that same world once shunned them. Instead of taking the easy destructive way out (albeit very painful), some people find constructive ways of dealing with their inadequacies. Perhaps they are not welcome with the "in" uptwon fashionable, smart,beatiful crowd, but they are certainly welcomed by a bunch of lonely sickly older people at an old people's home. People with special talents, like the geniuses I mentioned above, shy away from the world, but remain a part of it writing about it or creating music about it.

Come to think of it, loneliness as one of human predicaments, is necessary and normal. Our world is what it is because of people who in their different ways cope with loneliness and seek happiness. If you think about the world as the constant struggle between the good and evil, then you can see that the cause of this struggle is loneliness as people commit - fighting against loneliness - both great and gruesome deeds.

P.S. If all else fails in your struggle agaist loneliness, there's always chocolate. ;-)